im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
