So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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