What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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