Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
