So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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