the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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