ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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