I got chris browned last night
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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