I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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