At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
