it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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