Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
