I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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