So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
