I heard we made out
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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