drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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