I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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