I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
