I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
