and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
