I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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