Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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