I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
