What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
