I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize