I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
