i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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