She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
