He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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