Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
