I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
