I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
porn star boner night. come get it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
