did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
