things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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