I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We smell like vodka and hangover
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