Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
