I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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