I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
