I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
