let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
