I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
