You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
