like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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