someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
