so that wasnt chicken after all
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
