ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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