wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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