I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
