so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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