Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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