You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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