Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Randomize
