john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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