I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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