I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
