If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
