On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
