Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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