Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
